Sunday, June 12, 2011

The urge to ruin things.

A few days ago I had a falling out with a friend.  It was pretty surreal; a friend from high school who I used to be really close to hasn't bothered putting any effort into staying in contact so I said some sarcastic things while text-chatting in Steam and my friend freaked out and now I doubt we'll ever have any contact again.

If that turns out to be the case I'm really not sure what will have changed in my life.  The friend obviously hadn't seen anything wrong with the way things were, but I'd been feeling abandoned and hurt for over a year.  My friend would promise to call back or to be online to play a game or to give me feedback on something I'd written and then never would.  Then my friend became outraged that I'd feel that I was constantly being told to fuck-off and accused me of being petty about not getting to play Borderlands.

So my (former?) friend is likely upset to a certain degree; I don't really feel anything.  I initiated the conversation and purposely said antagonistic things because I was upset but now I just feel numb about everything.  My life has not changed at all; perhaps my friend went from the illusion that we were still close friends to thinking that I'm a petty attention whore, but for me all that's happened is that I now have one less person who will occasionally be telling me "yeah, we're still friends" while never bothering to once give me a call or a game invite or even really respond to my attempts to communicate for over a year.

The only problem is that I know that I can be very petty.  And I know that there really wasn't any reason to ruin what little friendship remained.  I had just gotten so frustrated with the facade that I impulsively struck out by expressing my anger even though I knew it wouldn't help anything and would only make things worse.  And then it's not even cathartic and doesn't feel good or bad.  I just move on with one less friend (maybe two, actually) and then... nothing really.

That's the only disappointing part.  If I'd had a falling out with this person a year or two ago it would have been devastating.  Now I wish I felt something about it other than the disappointment that I don't really feel anything.  And then that's the part that makes me angry again.  I wanted this falling out to be something dramatic/cataclysmic and instead it was just some stupid chat messages.  I spend all that time being polite and saying "no problem, I understand" when people tell me off or rant for hours about how evil socialism is or tell me how sad they are they can't spend any time with me and it kills me and then I don't even get to feel anything when I destroy those relationships.

Usually I'll eventually get back in touch (they never take the initiative anyways) and apologize (I haven't done anything to wrong them) and make nice (eventually the thought that someone is unhappy with me drives me insane and I desperately want their approval) and then everything goes on like nothing at all happened.

Sometimes I just fucking hate everyone.

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